I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
