And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
