You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
