I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
don't judge my taste in strippers
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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