Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
