I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
