"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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