1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My orgasm happened in two different decades
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
