What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
