Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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