I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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