Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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