Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
