After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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