no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
