4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
