so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
