Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
