By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
