She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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