first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
