shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
