textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
