don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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