just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize