think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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