gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
