she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i will never coherently bang her
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize