I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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