That's when you crack a 10am beer
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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