I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
