I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
