my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Randomize