Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
