The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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