she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
