He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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