We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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