To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
