im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
