I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
