seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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