Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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