I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
