i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
