so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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