Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
