Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
