On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
