Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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