I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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