my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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