I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
