Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
