I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you mean i was at the winter classic?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I need moral support for this bender
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
