The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So much rum. So many feels.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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