I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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