my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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