Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
