So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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